Stop Auditioning for Approval

"Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner"- Lao Tzu

There comes a point in your life when you realise you’ve spent far too much energy trying to be liked.

You soften your opinions so nobody feels uncomfortable. You over explain yourself because you don’t want to be misunderstood. You say yes when every part of you wants to say no. You replay conversations in your mind, wondering if you said the wrong thing, looked the wrong way or somehow became too much. If any of that feels familiar, you are not alone.

For years, I believed being kind meant being endlessly accommodating. I believed being easy to love meant making sure everyone else was comfortable, even if it came at the expense of my own truth. Looking back now, I can see that what I thought was kindness was often people pleasing.

There is a huge difference.

Kindness comes from love.

People pleasing comes from fear.

The frustrating part is that most of us don’t even realise we’re doing it. We think we’re just being nice. We tell ourselves we’re easy going. We convince ourselves we’re keeping the peace. Yet underneath all of that is a quiet question that runs almost unnoticed through our lives.

“What do I need to do so that you don’t reject me?”

That question shapes more lives than we realise. It influences who we date, the careers we choose, the opportunities we say no to, the friendships we stay in long after they’ve run their course and even the clothes we wear. It whispers in meetings when we have an idea but don’t speak. It appears after social events when we replay every conversation. It keeps us awake wondering whether someone has taken a message the wrong way.

If you’ve ever searched how to stop people pleasing, perhaps what you’re really searching for is permission.

Permission to stop performing.

Psychologists have known for decades that our brains are wired for belonging. Thousands of years ago, belonging wasn’t simply nice to have. It was survival. Being excluded from the tribe could literally mean death. Although our world has changed dramatically, our nervous system hasn’t caught up. It still interprets rejection as danger. That is why criticism can feel physically painful. That is why being ignored can make your stomach sink. That is why so many people spend their lives trying to control how other people see them.

Your brain isn’t broken.

It’s trying to protect you.

The problem is that protection can quietly become a prison. One of the greatest lies people pleasing tells us is that if we can just get everyone to like us, we’ll finally feel safe.

We won’t.

There will always be another person to impress. Another opinion to worry about. Another version of ourselves to maintain. Living that way is exhausting because you’re no longer living from your truth. You’re living from everyone else’s perception of you.

I know this because I’ve done it.

Not in every area of my life, but enough to recognise it. Enough to know what it feels like to overthink a conversation. Enough to know what it feels like to explain myself when I didn’t actually owe an explanation. Enough to know what it feels like to wonder whether I should make myself a little smaller so somebody else feels more comfortable.

Perhaps you’ve done the same.

Perhaps you’ve mistaken self abandonment for selflessness.

There is another truth that completely changed my perspective.

Most people are not thinking about you nearly as much as you think they are.

They’re thinking about themselves.

They’re wondering if they looked silly. They’re worrying whether they said the wrong thing. They’re carrying their own insecurities, fears and stories. They are the main character in their own life just as you are in yours.

Realising that is incredibly liberating. It allows you to put down a burden you were never meant to carry.

Here are five shifts that helped me, and perhaps they’ll help you too.

1.⁠ ⁠Notice where you disappear.

Before you can stop people pleasing, you have to notice where it shows up. Where do you automatically apologise? Where do you say yes before you’ve even checked in with yourself? Where do you abandon your own needs because disappointing somebody else feels more uncomfortable than disappointing yourself? Awareness changes everything because you cannot transform what you refuse to acknowledge.

2.⁠ ⁠Understand that being liked is not the same as being loved.

Being liked often comes from meeting expectations. Being loved comes from being known. There is a world of difference. If people only like the version of you that constantly agrees, never has boundaries and never says no, they don’t actually know you. They know your performance. The people who are meant for you will never require you to audition for a place in their lives.

3.⁠ ⁠Stop managing everyone else’s opinion of you.

This one takes practice. You are not responsible for how someone interprets your boundaries. You are not responsible for making everybody understand your decisions. You are not responsible for carrying the emotional comfort of every person you meet. Healthy people respect healthy boundaries. People who benefited from you having none often struggle when you begin creating them. That isn’t your guilt to carry.

4.⁠ ⁠Build self trust instead of seeking reassurance.

One of the reasons people pleasing becomes such a habit is because we slowly stop trusting ourselves. We ask everyone else what they think before asking ourselves. We look outside for answers before looking within. Self trust is built in tiny moments. Every time you honour your intuition. Every time you tell the truth. Every time you keep a promise to yourself. Every time you choose authenticity over approval. Confidence isn’t something you wake up with one morning. It’s something you build one honest decision at a time.

5.⁠ ⁠Give yourself permission to be fully seen.

This is where freedom lives. Not everybody will understand you. Not everybody will agree with you. Not everybody will choose you. That has always been true. Trying to control that is like trying to hold water in your hands. The energy it takes to be universally liked could instead be used to create, to love, to lead, to laugh, to build meaningful relationships and to become the fullest expression of who you are. That sounds like a much better investment to me.

If you’ve been wondering how to stop people pleasing, perhaps the answer isn’t becoming tougher. Perhaps it’s becoming truer. Truer to your values. Truer to your voice. Truer to the woman or man you already are beneath the layers of expectation.

Life becomes surprisingly peaceful when you stop editing yourself for an audience that was never yours to impress. Ironically, that is usually when your relationships become deeper too. Authenticity attracts authenticity. The masks begin to fall away because you’ve given other people permission to remove theirs as well.

There is something magnetic about someone who no longer needs to convince you of who they are.

They simply are.

If this blog has found you today, maybe it isn’t by accident. Maybe you’ve been carrying the invisible weight of trying to be enough for everybody else. Maybe you’re exhausted from wondering what people think of you. Maybe you’ve spent years chasing approval without realising you’ve been giving away the very thing you were searching for.

Your own approval.

There is only one relationship that will stay with you for every second of your life.

The relationship you have with yourself.

Protect it.

Nurture it.

Strengthen it.

The opinions of other people will come and go like the weather. Some will celebrate you. Some will misunderstand you. Some will project their own fears onto you. None of those things define you unless you hand them the pen.

Take it back.

The world does not need another person trying to be likeable.

It needs more people who are courageous enough to be real.

Perhaps today is the day you stop asking, “Do they like me?”

Perhaps today you ask a far more powerful question.

“Did I honour myself?”

Because when you can answer yes to that, something extraordinary happens.

You stop living for applause.

You start living for truth.

That is where your freedom begins.

With Love

Jenna ✨